Amy Gajaria

10 June 2009

Yesterday was a difficult day.  I naively thought that leaving behind the raucous streets of Delhi would mean the end of overcrowding, dirt, and chaos.  I was quite disappointed, then, when we pulled into Dehra Dun and it looked much like any Delhi street.  I’m not sure when I’ll adapt to the dirt, grime, and constant honking of horns, nor when I will no longer be disgusted by piles of garbage strewn everywhere.

India is unlike any country I’ve ever been to.  I knew there would be poverty, but had assumed that it would exist in an idealized and romantic way: slums either only in pockets of the city, or on the outskirts, and that the contrast would come upon seeing them in relation to one another.  Instead, I feel as though all I see is dirt and chaos; it is unremitting and everpresent.

I wanted so badly to fall in love with this place, but am finding myself repulsed by it. I don’t want to think that everything is smelly and strange, and I hate that that nasty colonial word “backwards” tickles at the back of my skull.  But despite what I want to feel, I have not yet fallen in love with India, and I have not yet found a way to find meaning in the practices so different from my own. Perhaps it would be easier to feel indifferent towards India if I did not feel a kinship with the people, if I did not feel as though I should feel a strong connection to this place.

I keep waiting for the moment when I say: “yes, this is where I’m from, this is what my culture means, this is a connection I’ve been waiting for all this time.  Everyone I meet keeps saying, “yes you are Canadian, but you belong to India” – which just heightens the disconnect between what I want to feel and how I actually feel.  I cannot feel ambivalence towards this place; I feel instead a daily oscillation between love and hate, distance and acceptance.  I feel trapped between identities yet again – not white, so the other backpackers pass me by, yet not Indian, so not belonging to the local population either.  I feel a little lost, a little cast adrift, and more than a little unsure.

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Previous Posts
On the Road :: All Aboard Dehran Dun - June 9 2009
On the Road :: Hello India - June 4 2009